Anderen helpen met positief denken en affirmeren

Vandaag was ik met de kinderen in het Speelgoedmuseum in Deventer (tentoonstelling 50 jaar Lego). We waren met Lego aan het spelen, maar het wilde niet vlotten met het bouwwerk van mijn zoon. Steeds weer brak zijn vikingboot, tot grote teleurstelling van hemzelf. De ene negatieve affirmatie na de andere vloog door de kamer: Ik kan het niet! Bij mij gaat het ook altijd fout! Het lukt me nooit!

Als iemand in zo'n negatieve staat zit is simpelweg terugaffirmeren (Je kunt het wel!) niet genoeg. Bovendien wil de andere dat vaak niet horen, en worden ze eerder nóg bozer als je met positieve affirmatie aankomt. Ze voelen zich rot, en waar ze diep in hun hart behoefte aan hebben is eigenlijk alleen maar de erkenning van hun ellende. Erkenning en begrip is wat we allemaal op z'n tijd nodig hebben, maar zeker als je je rot voelt. Wat je dan wel kunt zeggen is: "Ik begrijp dat je je rot voelt omdat je Legowerk steeds mislukt. Ik kan me voorstellen dat het enorm frustreert als iets wat je probeert te bouwen steeds uit elkaar valt."

En wat ik vervolgens deed, en dat kan natuurlijk niet zomaar bij iedereen ;-), is hem op mijn schoot nemen. Want kinderen hebben dan ook gewoon net dat beetje knusheid van mama of papa nodig. Maar als het je man is of een collega of een client, dan laat je ze natuurlijk zitten waar ze zitten (tenzij je je partner graag op schoot wilt hebben natuurlijk, maar dat is weer een andere discussie). Anyway, wat je vervolgens zegt is: "Hoe zou het voelen als het wel lukte?" Er kan nog wat tegengesputterd worden ("Maar het lukt niet!"), maar dan herhaal je je vraag gewoon. En dan langzaam maar zeker volgt de ontspanning, ze gaan zich voorstellen hoe het zou voelen als het wel lukte. Vanuit die ontspanning kan er pas een idee of oplossing ontstaan, waardoor het daadwerkelijk gaat lukken. In dit geval hielp ik mijn zoon ook een beetje op weg door hem te wijzen op het stabieler maken van de constructie. En daarna speelde hij uiteraard als een dolle verder, met een prachtige vikingboot met drakenkop als resultaat...

(helaas is er geen foto van gemaakt, bijgevoegd heb ik een foto van een eerder legobouwsel van hem, een bionicle)

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